thoughts and reflections

i know i should be delighted christmas is around the corner and this year i have more to be thankful for then last year but my heart is very heavy. I'm in one of those moods where my mind is drifting with the music and reflecting on thoughts of what this season is suppose to embrace.. love, family , unity.
I'm often asked what is the best advice to offer the next generation... well simple love with all your heart don't hold back, don't care what others think, look within yourself for acceptance not to others, say i love you at every chance you can, and don't wish your life away stay young and cherish it as long as you can.
I'd give anything to go back to the days of youth when a parent or a grandmother's kiss held magic that could ease the pain of any wound imaginable.
I put on quite a show that i'm confident, secure, and in control but truth be told i'm scared of a lot of things, i don't have all the answers , i stumble and fall, i'm far from perfect, i doubt myself sometimes actually alot of the time.
I think one of my biggest regretts right now is that i'm too stubborn to talk to my brother and tell him how much i miss and love him and remind him of how growing up he was my hero, i was his shadow lol drove him nuts now we pass by in a parking lot or the mall and we're strangers.. it hurts so bad.
my biggest wish right now is for someone to give me the answers to life like a walkthrough guide or a puse button so i can review and catch up.

home...

Home is a word we hear often and never really stop to think of it's meaning. Home to me is family, security, love... most of all family perhaps i'm wrong in my opinion but alas it is mine to have regardless...
This was my home... i live in a house now with wonderful neighbours and a nice yard but it's not home.
I call the pictured house home cause it was the last place i remember my fmaily still being together when my egg donor was mom rather then phyllis, where my half brother was my best friend and my hero. I can remember my aunt and uncle laying down rock work around the woodstove in the living room, i can remember sitting at a big wooden kitchen table as a family at meal times, we all had our own special cups as well mine had a picture of a cute yellow chick on it.
It's where i first learned about animals , and had a cow instead of a pony. Brutus was just as good as any pony i can recall climbing the white wooden fence we had embracing the pasture and crawling on top this old balck and white cow's back and him walking around the pasture with me tame as a kitten.
i remember the trailor my grandfather had next to our garage where he lived , my grandmother was 20 mins away at best.
i remember stepping on a board and getting a spike in my foot and screaming bloody murder i was stuck on that spike and couldn't get it out. my grandfather stepping on the same board and pulling me off the spike.
i remember the whoopings i'd get for taking my three wheeler on the road and down the hill to the brook lol. i knew i wasn't allowed but if my brother went with his bike i had to be right behind him.
the feild across the street where we would run through climb the nearest tree and watch our house pretending it was someone else's.
mr sweatem and his green and yellow beans , my parents tricking me into eating canned beans telling me they were sweatem beans lol
the strawberry shortcake wallpaper in my room.
Like i said home, when my family was still a family.
i drove past the other day just to go through memory lane of a happier time and smiled through my tears cause now a new family lives there and they get to call that house HOME

Last letter for Diane

I'm sorry i didn't come today Diane, i juss couldn't. It doesn't mean that i don't love you. I haven't forgotten nor will i ever all that you have done for me.
I worry about the boys and what their live will be like without you and your influence, you were the only one that could reach Tyler, he was already a very angry little boy. Life just isn't fair you should still be here!
I have so many picture of Mikaela including videos.. she's taking her first steps now, you'd love her so much. I couldn't wait to see the look on your face as you went through them with me.
It will be strange not hearing you say to patrick "what's up my man?" lol, or giggling at me and telling me i'm bad, or hearing you say to jake "fucc you jacko!" lol, or picking up bella and "oh my sweet little bella" as you give her kisses. Swear she was meant to be your cat, she always loved you.
you had a way with animals and children and people in general.
Now i wish i hadn't replaced the floor in preciouz inc, i miss your stupid cigerette burn marks in the floor, if you could come back i wouldn't complain any more.... i'd make sure i tell you each day what a treasure your friendship was and how lost i am without it.
i know your giving me shit for crying cause your happy you get to see Nicolas but i'm selfish and i want you here with all of us, we need you too Di!
you will never be forgotten!!!!
love you Di, always

Stranded at the metro

ok so i have the lyrics from a song in the movie grease running through my head and all i can do now is laugh.
"stranded at the drive , feeling like fool, what wll they say monday at school?"
I let my brother joey use my pass on friday to go volunteer at a comic convention, and he returned it like a good boy. so sat when sis and i went out the pass worked why shouldn't it ya know.. well he said sat night he might have give me the wrong pass bacc but i thought it was him being him ya know , plus as i said sissy and i had gone out and it worked fine. I went to atwater to cool with a friend in the park for a bit, i left minutes to 12 to catch the metro so i wouldn't miss the last bus 132 viau to my sister's. my pass wouldn't work in the metro. turns out i did have the wrong pass the one i had only had bus tickets loaded on it which means joey still had my monthly one.
i called home here in tears and all joey could say was go ask people for money. i tried explaining to the lady at the metro i wasn't from here that i was only here visiting family i had nothing on me except that worthless bus pass. she refused to let me pass through the metro, told me call a friend and dismissed me just like that. i was in tears at this point.
no one was going to hand a white gurl rocking puma sneakers, dereon top and dereon sweater money for the metro, plus i'm not a mooch. so i bbmed my sis and luckily she wasn't asleep between her and daddy they made my brother used her pass to come get me and bring me home on the night buses.

an angry fat woman is a dangerous thing

an angry fat woman is a dangerous thing


when we stop laughing at your fat-prejudice disguised as jokes


when we stop apologizing for provoking your fear sor evoking your fantasies


when we stop trying to convince ourselves that half a banana for lunch is eating normally when we stop letting you dump your body-hatred on us


because you're never thin enough


when we stop giving you permission to define us we begin to get angry


and when we begin to count the cost in dollars and non-sense


of a lifetime of trying to play it your weigh


when we begin to honor the truth of our own experience
over the lies you've taught us
when we begin to nourish our bodies with food
and our spirits with love
when we begin to move freely
unconstrained
unselfconscious
walk
dance
work out
make love
when we begin to realize that fat is beautiful
we become powerful
anger is power
power is freedom
freedom is dangerous
an angry fat woman is a dangerous thing

catch up

wow seems like forever and a day since i been up in here,
plus hartt fashions closed down , she bowed out un graciously don't ever underestimate me.
so my sister is a mom now to a beautiful little girl Mikaela Alexis Helen-Eva Kardash and she makes my world go round. They call her miki for short but i think it's boyish so i call her my minniemouse don't she ever smile when i do :)
Preciouz Inc is thriving and paying for itself finally. I was able to pay most of my trip home to montreal with it as well as pay for my new cell to stay on top of things during my vacation a bit better.
my foster daughter blair is home in the valley living with me again and i'm luving it. I left her in charge of preciouz inc while i'm home here in mtl for a month and she's doing good.
she suggested another get together so in oct we are going to have a free will offering bbq and marshmellow roast :).
April made a year smoke free for me, although sat just gone by the 10th of sept 2011 i cracc'd and smoked one. i was drinking and i was pissed off at my boi sean. lol when isn't that man vexing me lately??? lol
my hair is now to my shoulders and red. i no longer work for OLS long story short i got screwed hard and i'm on antidepressants... that's a blog for another time.
i'm one size away from bein the size i was 9 years ago when i first came to mtl. i'm excited about this progress.
i've been approved thus far for my gasteric sleeve which is different then the bypass or lapband. they remove 80% of my stomach and it's non reservable. I know i'mma need to see a therapist to help deal emotionally with the changes but at least i am doing it for the right reasons.
still no more new tattoo's yet... i am having the shay on my arm covered. i want a poppy there with the words lest we forget underneath of it. i also want a small rainbow on the inside of my wrist with sara's name and her dob and dod on there. It's been two years and i still miss her so much. but then again it's been 14 for davie and that still hurts too.
i'm down to 5 cats now... i gave mizz monkey up cause she was starting to become dirty. i know she's probably adopted by now she was so beautiful, and i gave up storm for her own good cause she wasn't happy she was ripping herself to peices and pulling out her fur and i wasn't equipped finacially to do anything about it. i couldn't keep her and let her suffer like that it makes me an irresponsible pet owner.
these are just some of what is happening i will get bacc to posting more reguarally soon enough.
blessingz