Insecurity....

Some of those who don't know me aren't going to get the connection right away form the title of the blog to the picture i chose to use for it, but some will catch it right away.
on the 30 day picture challenge on fb the first day we are asked to place up a picture of ourselves as well as ten facts about ourselves. Here was my first fact
"1. I was not born with two perfect eyes i had a turning eye which i had to have corrected surgically almost 3 years ago."
I was teased rentlessly about it through the years. comments made like are you looking at me or over there, men telling me they could fucc my eyes straight.., others threatened to knock it straight with physical assault. It made me an easy target for bullying. When i finally agreed to have to surgery done it was for sure i could have it i struggled emotionally with this. I was so relieved to have this feeling of knowing it would be fixed i wouldn't be cock eyed, cross eyed or lazy eyed girl anymore people would actually see me for me instead of just my what i felt was a disfigurement. At the same time i was scared and unsure if that is what i wanted as i said my eye had always been this way since birth so this would be a whole new ballgame for me and i wasn't sure if i was emotionally ready to embark on this journey. i was scared i would be loosing a part of me, something that made me who i was.
for the longest time i would wake up crying at night during the healing process cause my eye would be so itchy and as i rubbed at it i had nightmares that i had rubbed too hard and the process would become undone and my eye would return to being turned out. Even after almost three years i still check in a mirror every morning and night to ensure it is straight and not turned out. so when i was asked on fb in the 30 day challenge what my insecurity/ies was/were this is the picture i put and this blog is to explain why.
now that i have had the surgery i am grateful, i still get some blurred vision or double vision once in a while but they say beauty doesn't come without a price. so now that i have two straight eyes i do finally realize i am beautiful.

self reflections

i am doing that new trend on facebook the 30 days, 30 pictures and as i mentioned in my youtube vblog i find it very insightful. many of us struggle with decisions of which pictures to place for which days but the majority of them for me have been easy pictures to come up with it has been some of the memories uncovered that have been raw and heart wretching of a struggle for me. example day 5 "Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory" this was hard for me cause not alot of my memories are pleasant most i still wish i could erase except the fact i like who i am now and who i am con'ting to become so to erase my past could affect the outcome of my future...
but for day 5 i placed a picniked picture of my late nanny and the following caption. "one of my fave memories would be sitting on my nanny's lap dunking my cookies in her tea ♥ , or going for a ride on the love boat lol we'd snuggle up in her old brown air chair and watch that show every afternoon. so for now a picture of her will have to suffice as one of my fave memories. miss you and love you nanny ♥"
This was extremely painful to me cause even at a young age my nanny was my everything. It seems once she left us physically my entire world as i had known it shattered as well... but that is a blog for another time perhaps...
moving right along to the next reflection
"Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die" this one again was painful for me and is something most women have and take for granted... i placed a picture of an abstract painting featuring a mothering holding her child in her arms.
"hold my own child in my arms... something regrettfully i will probably never accomplish..." is the caption i wrote under this day. i have a condition known as PCOD which makes conception a very highly unlikely but not completely impossible task, i call it karma for some of my ways over the years, and this dream, this want, this desire is something if was possible i would sell my soul to the very devil himself pay whatever price to hold my own child and not have to let go ever...
this 30 days, 30 pictures is something i strongly suggest and recommend everyone do. you would be surprised how much you learn about yourself

I DID IT!!!!

I am spinning i feel so high got my hands up reaching for the sky i'm dizzy and laughing like a mad man at the rain hahaha
*spins and spins and spins* what's got me lighter then air? work does, i know some people saying waaa work? naa dis gyal gone crazy lol i assure you i am not crazy i am just very happy. we had 4 tests to write and if we failed we were only permitted the one rewrite if we failed a second time then we could come back to the next class opening to retrain.
I passed all 4 i had my lifeline left for today and didn't have to use it. I feel so good that i did this, i applied my teachings to my test and i passed. no one studied for me, no one wrote that test for me i did this!
i know most people think that a 600 dollar pay cheque every 2 weeks is chump change and maybe it is but it's better then having nothing or getting 500 dollar welfare cheque for a month. It feels good to know that whatever the amount of my pay is that i am earning it.
more then anything this is an accomplishment of my own will power and strength the real acheivement here is my health isn't holding me back any longer, i'm standing up and taking control and it feels so good. There is room for improvement and advancement in my job and when the time comes maybe i will move up to better things. If not then i am content just to have a job period.

blessings

Lately i know i have been a lil negative and focusing on some of the troubled areas of life rather then acknowledging and appricating the postive. Momma g had in her facebook status the other day about how disheartening it was that blessings are often contributed to or recongized as finacical or materalistic gain. I call her momma for a reason not only because i have become so close to her but because she has much to teach if i am willing to listen. as the old saying goes momma knows best and belive me momma g is no acception to that rule.
when life throws me lemons as it often does i sometimes cringe at the sourness forgetting i have sugar if i look hard enough and i can turn it into refreshing lemonade.
so here are some of the blessings i have encountered.
1 my pets are a blessing cause when i am feeling down they sence this and are extra affectionate. a true pet owner can agree the affection and loyality of a pet is a blessing like no other. the amount of trust they show us to care for them is amazing and mind bending
2 my job, but before you say well this is monetary or materlistic it's not. my job gives me a feeling of accomplishment. i have to pay attention in order to absorb what is being taught i then need to show i am absorbing this information by passing a series of excercises and test. no one can obtain these scores for me, i had to apply myself to do it. also as i have mentioned for so long i felt useless as i was unable to do much on account my decaying health, but now that i am slowly harnassing those issues in and dealing with them i am able to do something. SO my test scores are a scence of pride and accomplishment for me
3 my fmaily and friends,even random strangers from time to time. i know i am a hard person to deal with at the best of times as i suffer from a mental illness DEPRESSION is an illness and it can impact your life dramatically. i am very forunate to encounter people who can and do empathize with this fact. today in the washroom at work due to stress and depression trying and failing miserably to compose myself a fellow employee i'd only met in passing a few times was quick to engulf me in a hug and tell me everything would be ok. maybe it was her mother's instict kicking in or just plain human kindness but none the less for whatever reason or motive to me it was a blessing.
everyone thinks blessings are hard to find but the truth is they are only hard to find when you are attributing them to some sort of finical or materalistic gain. if you recongize them for what they are just simple things then more often then not you'll find your blessings always outway your troubles.

a few updates

well two weeks under my belt so far, training is done on friday the 29th then i got 4 weeks being in the ICU Intensive Coaching Unit taking calls. i'm nervous that i am going to mess up with my tools and things but i am also eager to get on with it. I made a 92% on my last test as well. Now i have a third one on wed remember that 80 is a passing mark. I was happy to see the actualy trainer from rogers back today instead of the other bafoon. we all jokenly referr to luke our rogers trainer as ross keller from friends the resemblance is very uncanny.
it's been almost 2 months since i was last hospitalized so this is progress and in 4 days it will be 6 whole months since i have had a cigerette. i don't even crave them that bad anymore now the smell of it where once it was so apeasing now is stomach churning...
i think for my next tattoo i will get the chinese symbol for courage on my upper back just below my neck as a tribute to myself and all i have accomplished and will con't to accomplish.

week one completed

well i have completed week one of my training to be a TSR (Technicial support rep) at online support for rogers - yahoo! hi-speed internet home services not business.
we had 1 test already and you need an 80 percent to pass or it could be grounds for dismissal i passed with a 92%. i have my team members joking with me saying they are going to be comming to me and borrowing my notes lol. while they were reading the 7.5 module on the rogers internal site we use specifically at work i was still a module behind taking notes.
i have learned or rather refreshed my skills at setting up email address using outlook express on windows xp.
the difference between a pop server and a smtp server as well as number ports and things.
this job is going to be a challenge one i expect to overcome, i will suceed. what is most rewarding about my job honestly are the tests we are given. why? cause no one can write them or study for me, it is something i am doing on my own and my marks are my own i studied hard for them and i earned them. that is rewarding.
i said i was back in control and i am. i have a test on wed comming again let's see how i fair on this one.

I GOT A JOB

So OLS just called me today i have been on pins and needles stressing worrying if i would get this job or not and i did, it's mine! They need me to come in on tuesday and sign some final paperwork and then oct 4th i begin my training. i am sitting wiggling in my chair fighting back tears. why tears? tears of joy, of release of relief. The best thing is i did this! no one can say oh i got you this or i did this or i carried you etc. i did this! i wrote the pre-test, i went to my own interview and i made the lasting impression which warrented them giving me a chance within their place of business despite my lack of education and shaky work history.
last blog i said i was back in the drivers seat of my own body again i was taking control and now i am doing it with all aspects of my life. This is part one of many parts to come yet.
It may have been me, myself and i esensially that nailed down this interview but without Tricia driving me to the pre-test and recommending this job to begin with, and my neighbour Devon driving me to the interview none of this would be possible.
To everyone supporting me, encouraging me, telling me i had this thank you that was overwhelming and muchly needed in my dark hours.

DO NOT DIET!!!

“The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.” ladies and gentlemen i had to post this cause this is a serious growing concern not the quote but what it actually means and represents... young women and even some men trying to acheive an unrealstic goal of self worth instead of em...bracing themselves as they are. often we end up hurting ourselves not only physically but emotionally as well from the damage we do trying to be perfect. there is no such thing. to be imperfect and embrace our flaws and demand the world take us as we are that is what perfection is! beauty is not about being thin or being big, beauty is about being true to yourself.
I'm very opinionated especially when it comes to sizes and people complaining about their own size and shape or others. i have a beautiful 16 year old cousin that will scrunch her nose at herself and pinch her stomach and call herself fat it fustrates me. i know the road she's on i have been there.
I may be confident now and appricate my curves and contours but not first without a battle where i hit rock bottom. I can remember wearing baggy jeans and sweaters down to my knees to cover myself , not making love unless i could hide myself and have the lights out, starving myself, crash diets, diet pills all of that. I had no help i had no voice telling me i was beautiful and to love myself so i intend to be that voice for young women.
There is no blame in wanting to be healhty and making better choices and changing your eating habits but DO NOT DIET!!! i can post recipes and otehr hints and tips to follow

rip nikki tait

This beautiful girl is now dead due to a tragic accident, while camping with a friend up on halls harbour mountain her dog got loose and while searching for her beloved pet she fell off a cliff and to her death just a year after burrying her older sister sara.
all three tait girls were like sisters to me, i was always at their home for sleepovers it was my home away from home, since well my home life wasn't much growing up...
i can remember nikki having short piked hair, wearing a spiked dog collar and choke chain for jewerely, bandanna on her head, baggy jeans too big of a t-shirt, always had a cigerette on the go and a mouth full of obscenties as well lol then she somehow became this beautiful girl in the picture above had just finished her term at collage in new brunswick and moved home...
i honestly believe that there has to be some sort of curse upon this family some evil doings of magic somewheres... they loose their mom to cancer and jodi the youngest goes to foster care, then a year ago sara dies only days before her 24th birthday and now nikki.
my heart aches for the loss of two friends who were more like family then anything but i ask rather then telling me how sorry you are for my loss use that to pray for the youngest one jodi, for my wiccan friends and family send blessings and healing and strength she will need it all...

plus hartt fashions = racist!

ok i helped this woman obtain customers in good faith of her abilities to bring in nice clothing at affordable pricing but when she is buying a bathing suit at frenchy\s and marking it up to $30 I'M MORE THEN ANNOYED. Her clothes aren`t quality or even new, they are `borrowed`by friends to wear to the club to help `represent` her further.
the woman has a husband, a bf and then took home a jamaican man for a one night stand even when warned he possibly had a gf. she is the one who was snuggled into him on the street corner, and even asked me to drive them home to her place along with her friend and another jamacian man... then i get a wall posting saying `brown in yucky`.
here is her message to me on facebook...
eather Hartt July 2 at 10:45am
hey, I'm alive!!! been in berwick all week. So yeah, last
saturday was terrible. I'm seriously never going to a bar
again. I'm happy to be home with the kids and my honey. I
ended up having to lock myself in my room while that
typical niggar beat on my door!! Kentville is one scuzzy fucken place! I feel sick that my
kids have to go to school with there kids........ewwwww
but I'm stuck in this shit hole weather I like it or not.
I have lived in many different places, and I have never
been worried about locking my shit up, but I have had
garden lights taken right off my lawn and the kids new
bikes are now gone!! so I ran away to berwick for a few
days, and for once I actually felt calm and stress free,
Lucas and Gavin were with me and they seemed very happy
and content too, Kim and Gaige stayed home........maybe
that is why lol those two have been nothing but drama
lately. Gaige is being forced to make alot of changes
lately. I have to muster up the engergy to be very strict
with him this summer, he has to go to regular mental
health appointments and take his meds! man that sounds so
fucked up lol
Well girl, that is all my drama.........whats new in the
life of Shay??


another one : Heather Hartt July 4 at 12:03pm
so I wrote you my big long winded message about how
horrbile my night was and never heard back. I"m guessing
your pissed because of my niggar comment??? I call black
assholes niggars. Its the same as saying asshole to me, so I'm not sorry for calling the man a niggar.



i ask you honestly is this the woman you want to be buying your clothes from... the majority of the curvy beautiful women here in the valley deal with these black men... and have beautiful children by them. i am outraged for them!

so long uncle Errol

Errol Bruce Daley 1950-2010
His obiturary in the paper was laughable at best. "Enjoyed spending time with family and friends" tell me where this man ever had a sense of family... not to my recollection. i wish i could say i am sorry that he passed or i will miss him, or that his death even remotely affects me. The truth is i don't care if he is resting in peace or not. His reign of superficial arrogance has come to a halt. I admitt he worked hard to get to where he was at, he didn't have anything handed to him but his critism and snide remarks towards my father (his brother) were cruel and unwarrented.
only fitting he was cremated, his body burns with his damned soul.
the only reason i am even going to his sham of a service today is in support of my father, cause dispite the adamonsity between them they were still brothers, family by blood and i'm sure as strong as my father is deep somewheres he is hurting and mourning the loss of his brother whom he loved and wishing he had a chance still to have a relationship of sorts with him.
to my father chin up i love you and i will always be at your side in your darkest hours. i give thanks everyday that you have such a wonderful wife that is always there for you, me and everyone in this family.

nscc decision

ok first of all NSCC stands for Nova Scotia Community College. They emailed me yesterday with regrett to inform me my application had been denied at this time. The only reason being is the nature of the course i wish to take requires high school or equvilant to it, and sadly i never completed my schooling. so i have several options to consider, the college itself offers an adult learning program that is free and actually gives you a dipolma rather then ged, then there is the adult high school in new minas... , the work center in coldbrook which also gives you a trade and hands on work expirence, and last not least buying the ged book and writing the exam myself.
regardless which route i take i am going to pursue this, the only one in my way is myself.

remembering davie

Davie Little was a high school friend and a crush both, i went from grabbing him by his jacket and swinging him around in the hallway to make him face me screaming obscenities at him for punching micheal hunt to the girl with the crush lol. Davie and i ended up in some classes together in adult high school where i really got to see his personality come shinning through and what an amazing person he was.
always doing something to make me laugh or anyone laugh for that matter. I can recall numberous times him making me outloud in class and the teacher reprimanding me. , him being a smart ass going yeah geeze could you keep it down some of us are here to learn. lol the antagonizing son of a bitch.
i remember like a week before he died him bringing his new used car up he was so excited over it. a z28 camero blue in colour. he took me for a spin and brought me home, where i handed him a letter i had written cause i was too chicken shit to tell him i had a massive crush on him. we made plans to chill the night of the fireworks... and i tried all the day and night to reach him and the day of the parade over apple blossom weekend. i remember being so angry and hurt thinking he had stood me up... god i was angry and while i was being angry he was laying in a ravine dead....
may 30th 2010 will mark 12 years since his death and it still hurts as if it was yesterday. i can not stress enough for people to use common scence when drinking, give someone else your keys please... drinking and driving took davie from me and many others who loved him.
davie i love you, i miss you, i'm going to kick your ass someday when we meet again for leavin me.