self reflections

i am doing that new trend on facebook the 30 days, 30 pictures and as i mentioned in my youtube vblog i find it very insightful. many of us struggle with decisions of which pictures to place for which days but the majority of them for me have been easy pictures to come up with it has been some of the memories uncovered that have been raw and heart wretching of a struggle for me. example day 5 "Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory" this was hard for me cause not alot of my memories are pleasant most i still wish i could erase except the fact i like who i am now and who i am con'ting to become so to erase my past could affect the outcome of my future...
but for day 5 i placed a picniked picture of my late nanny and the following caption. "one of my fave memories would be sitting on my nanny's lap dunking my cookies in her tea ♥ , or going for a ride on the love boat lol we'd snuggle up in her old brown air chair and watch that show every afternoon. so for now a picture of her will have to suffice as one of my fave memories. miss you and love you nanny ♥"
This was extremely painful to me cause even at a young age my nanny was my everything. It seems once she left us physically my entire world as i had known it shattered as well... but that is a blog for another time perhaps...
moving right along to the next reflection
"Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die" this one again was painful for me and is something most women have and take for granted... i placed a picture of an abstract painting featuring a mothering holding her child in her arms.
"hold my own child in my arms... something regrettfully i will probably never accomplish..." is the caption i wrote under this day. i have a condition known as PCOD which makes conception a very highly unlikely but not completely impossible task, i call it karma for some of my ways over the years, and this dream, this want, this desire is something if was possible i would sell my soul to the very devil himself pay whatever price to hold my own child and not have to let go ever...
this 30 days, 30 pictures is something i strongly suggest and recommend everyone do. you would be surprised how much you learn about yourself