update 9 weeks post opt

So last blog was that i had found a substitute for milk a soy based one well i'm told it's not a good brand and had my fingers verbally slapped for it.
I'm 9 weeks post opt as of wed just past and still having a lot of difficulty with eating and drinking. I am the first patient to advise them of the intolerance to lactose... i am also the first pateint to say to them if this surgery were reversible i would be asking for it to be undone.
I knew this wouldn't be easy but this is crazy! They are demanding i drink 8 glasses of fluid a day... i can't do it! i'm lucky if i can get 3 or 4 in me.  Right now the only things agreeing with me are the soy milk and apple juice everything else either hurts or taste funny.
I found lacteeze  which is higher in protein but still can't manage alot... i've caughten a small sniffle and as with any cold when you drink milk products it makes you cough more and phelm up more so i have to disobey and stick to juice for a lil while longer.
I have blood work monday and this will determine if maybe my stomach isn;t healing correctly.
so far on my list of no no's are
crystal lights
jello
eggs
milk, cheese, icecream, yoguart
this surgery has been sucessful as far as loosing the weight goes. I started all this at 360lbs, got down to 307lbs on my own before surgery and now weigh in at 271.6lbs and have lost 10 inches off my waist. i am not happy about going down 2 bra sizes thankfully i'm still a DD but come on cut a gurl some slack lol.

so good soy based milk

Although surgery was a complete success it has it's draw backs. For anyone thinking of having this procedure done... think long and hard before committing. It is non reversible and personally for me it has been hell. Since the surgery my protein levels have hit the floor because my protein powder doesn't mix well into juices or water and it clumps in hot beverages. It mixes extremely well with milk but since having the surgery the new tummy doesn't seem to like milk products. It seems the new tummy now has an aversion to lactose.

Finally after being in the dumps and my hair starting to break after a dye job (yeah did I forget to mention if we don't have enough protein in our diets we can have our hair thin out and eventually fall out?... ) I'm very vain about my hair... so needless to say I was in distress.  I can drink this so goody chocolate soy based milk  without difficulty. It has 6grams per 250ml. I'm able to get through half a glass (4 oz) before my tummy is full and starts to hurt. Carbonated and caffeine filled beverages are a major no no!! I'm 7 weeks post opt tomorrow and I still get pains if I take a sip. A lot of the crystal lights bother me too, same as I am suppose to be able to eat cooked vegetables... steamed carrots hurt, steamed parsnips made my tummy unsettled. This has been no walk in the park but it has been successful I have come down a little over 30lbs since my actual surgery. Would I do this all over again?   NOOOO!!!!! The first 4-6 weeks are the worst no aggressive or excessive bending, no lifting anything over 10 lbs so that meant I couldn't pick up my little girl or one of my cats. I couldn't even put my diva on my lap :(

I tried the strawberry version of this so good milk and it didn't agree with the new tummy I found it almost acidy and painful to drink. the chocolate is a little chalky but you learn to acquire a taste for it. I have yet to attempt the white 2% soy based milk I will keep you updated. 

Tattoo #6

All of my tattoos have been thought out and have specific meaning to me.  I have been in love with Jamaican Culture for years now... It all started when i first started talking to my now Sister Tamz aka Chispa http://lsm2010.blogspot.ca/
Years ago she was known as Luscious and was really into the rastafari culture so me being curious obsorbed everything i could.
I have many friends that are Jamaican and yes i have had jamaican lovers as well. But i have self taught myself their slang PATOIS, i have come to love their food and even learned to cook a few dishes of it. Plus i have loved reggae music since before i knew the difference between african, bajan, trini and jamaican amongst other caribbean cultures lol
Music is the essence to my very soul it has the power to move me, inspire me, break me, anger me, sooth me , etc. (although i admitt i can not carry a tune even with a bucket lol ) 
what better way to always have a peice of jamaica with me and music in my body too then a music symbol with the jamaican flag colours.
I do this for me not for anyone else. My reasons are listed above for those who were curious as to why this tattoo and colours but before anyone judges remember my money , my body!

blood transfusion

ok let me first clarify no i did not have one done! There was no need as i said surgery was a success.
I have always filled out my forms for as long as i can recall No to a blood transfusion should the need arise.
My reasons are not religious they are personal. I am dismayed and fustrated that my arm was bend to the point it was implied i could possibly be denied my surgery for refusing a blood transfusion if it was needed unless for a religious reason.
how is that fair? I thought this was canada? i thought this is why i pay respects to my late grandfather and his comrades fallen and living alike for their strength and passion in fighting a war for our freedom?
so if canada really is the land of the free why was i reprimanded and forced to go back on something i feel so strongly about?
i know that screening is more intense now but there is always a risk or a chance of a mistake being made.

1 week post opt

wow ...
well i did great during surgery i got down to 307lbs by day of surgery, and i pulled through like a trooper even after it taking them 6 tries to get an iv started to knock me out (my veins kept collapsing they had to bring in an ultrasound machine), and twisting my arm about blood tranfusions... that is a blog for another time but the trouble began in recovery... sorry to disapoint someone but i'm still here i didn't die like you had hoped...
Recovery is only suppose to be 1-2 hrs i was there for damn near 6 hours... my oxygene levels dropped, my blood pressure spiked, and my heart rate spiked as well.
Finally i get to my room and never so relieved to see my beautiful cousin payge at my bedside. I cried i was so happy to have someone there waiting for me cause how it was going is there would be no one there waiting. Payge and i have ups and downs and are as different as night and day but when push comes to shove we are closer then most. I am truely blessed for the bond we share we deff should have been sisters instead of cousins.
I got released on friday the 22nd and was never so happy to be home with my cats and my beautiful 4 year old.  I have 24 staples and 6 incisions in my stomach. I'm a lil concerned over one of the incisions because they cut over an old scar from my gallbladder surgery and when i had that surgery that incision gave me hell to heal i ended up with a pocket of blood behind it and had to have it drained by needle etc.. so let's keep our fingers crossed nothing like that happens now.
so it would appear that my new stomach is not quite what it is cracked up to be or promised to be i am deff loosing the weight and rapidly it's kinda scarey how quickly and has sent my anxiety into overdrive the last couple of days... I am having trouble when it comes to meal replacement drinks.... seems my new tummy doesn;t like boost or other milk based drinks simliar to boost and ensure... which is fustrating... so now it's time to try and see if i can gag down a boost juice.. *sticks out tounge* not looking forward to that cause they taste like chalk.
I am on this liquid diet for another 3 weeks before i start my stage 4 diet... my staples come out this monday i can't wait cause right now i am so afraid they are gonna catch on something... i have been going stir crazy sitting here at home i'm used to being out and about with my little one. so i have taken up baking even though i can not partake lil miss enjoys helping. I turned in my kitchen last night forgot the drawer was open and damn near caught my staples on the corner of it lemme tell you i breath a huge sigh of relief i didn't lol.
a huge thank you to all those that supported and encouraged me through all of this. I shutter to think where i would be without you all. Dad, Grace, Momz, My aunts darlene and sharon, my sisters fiona, tammy , kristi and my best friend Tanya. Clayton, Larry, Chico, Melvin "q", my neighbours and so many more thank you.

Bagage

This song has had the power to make me cry since i can remember the other one is indepenance day by martina mcbride.
Growing up my home was never a home, it was a battle zone. Phyllis and her bf dick or maybe just him would be drunk and the fight would begin... the problem is my brother and i were caught in the crossfire. Often we shared her bruises in one form or another where it was physically or emotionally... too often i've seen her tear stained face and listen to her plea and cry for him not to hit her and yell at me to go in my room. Busting glass from bowls and plates and pictures being thrown and mashed to bits.
I guess the reason i'm drawn to this song partically tonight is because that side of the so called family has been on my mind alot lately. I reached out to my brother in Jan trying to make amends and was told he wanted no part of it basically... it hurts so much more then i thought it would.
I'm days away from a life changing surgery and although i am excited and hopeful for a new chance at a healthier life and i busted my ass to prove my worth and want for this surgery, i'm scared ... i say that i know everything will be fine but the truth is we never really know... and i'm scared that i won't ever have the chance to have one more hug from my big brother.... i'm scared that he's not there with me, i'm angry cause he doesn't care. i'm angry cause none of them care.
i have never fit in, i have yearn for that family's acceptance since i can remember but it was always something... i looked like the stewarts, i acted like the stewarts, my laugh was too loud, i snored too loud, there were times i'd cry and beg to go to my grandmother's only to be told not tonight another time but my brother never was told no.
even now as an adult my aunts and my grandmother live walking distance from me, they know my number... i've called but they are anxious to get off the phone have things to do, yet can sit and talk to my brother for hours. They can only reach out to me on holidays and birthdays and i'm suppose to be ok with this.... until now i was but now they are doing the same thing to my child. they thought of her at christmas and signed the cards grammy harper and aunt patty, but they haven't seen her since they don't ask for her or about her. I refuse to allow her to be treated like she has to beg or compete for anyone's attention or affection. I will not let her feel the way i did.
Physically this surgery is going to help me get healthier but i still have a long way to go emotionally and i guess where the surgery is removing the access i don't need, i need to do the same to some of my emotional bagage starting with that side of the family.

at what age is technology right for kids?

So a friend and i were talking the other day about video games and things...
how the conversation come up is she was asking her 4yr old grand daughter to go and find her DS gamesystem to which the child replied she didn't know where it was. so i said to my friend DS at 4 really don't you think that is a bit much and she should have been older before getting such a toy.
she tells me that it's good for kids to have video game systems it teachs them to take care of their things and if they have nice things they won't want to run the roads as much when they are older. they will have something to stay home for. Her line of reasoning is that both of her sons turned out well and they always had the newest and best of everything at all times. That it's supposably proven a child with less then the best will be more sneaky then one who has everything? seriously?!?!
now i guess i am old school or down right mean but i don't let my 4 yr old on my computer i don't believe in teaching her to become hooked on electrionics. she has a toybox full of toys, a bookshelf full of books, a shelf full of dvd's (but she only gets 2 hours a day t.v. time) , we have board games for her and she can do up to 100 peice puzzles already. 
She can print her first name, working on her last name she's quite intelligent and her teachers always comment about how quickly she picks up on things and how well she is doing in her classes.
Am i wrong to be keeping her away from so much technology?
i take the time to read to her and with her, i lay on the floor and we do puzzles together, and when i am writing to my penpals she likes to write too so she gets me to help spell a name of a person and she copies it.
i see people handing 2 years IPHONES for the apps and all i can do is shake my head. My lil one gets to play karokee on the wii when she is behaving as a reward and that is the cat's meow to her. i just think if i give her too much she will become bored with being a child and stop using her imagaination and become concentrated on video and computer games. am i fussing too much or am i right?
i have decided to cave a little bit... i want to get her a leapster 2 for easter.

Family Tree

Well i have been on a mission to try to unlock the secerts and mysteries of my family tree. On the egg donor's side it's a confusing task the roots are so twisted and over lapping. Then no one wants to talk about things so many secerts, betrayal, lies, affairs, and more...
Now on my dad's side things are a lil hetic as well cause alot of things are dark and mysterious as far as life of my Great Grandmother Landry is concerned. I know she was a Goddard and migrated here from England, but she was tight lipped about England and her life there so it makes me wonder what she was running from and hiding. was she here legally?
So speaking of the family tree i called my grandmother to inquire about the middle names of my aunts and uncles... and was met with a firey resistance there but she did give them up, and point blank told me that was as far as she was going with it, then told me of my brother's remarks that the tree was dead limbs were missing etc. so i am takin that to mean he is not interested in making amends and rebuilding our siblinghood...
as i said to my friend i will wear a mask of indifference or even false bravo to cover my real one streaked with tears and the lines of my broken heart and spirit.

Tony

The above picture is my Half brother Tony and I, although growing up being half meant nothing to us. we fought like most kids but at the end of the day it was us against the world. My brother was my hero, my protector... i can remember him lecturing me to smarten up and stay out of trouble and telling me the horror stories of the boys school he had to attend in turo for always fighting. He didn't want that lifestyle for me.  How did we go from there to here? Not speaking, walking past one another pretending to be strangers. It kills me to think how one woman could be so maniuplative that she would pine her children off against one another. Tony and i share the same egg donor but had different fathers.
I'm lucky my father was a real dad and was there for my childhood, he wanted to be Tony's dad too and tried with him but our egg donor wouldn't let my dad adopt Tony.  Tony had resentment towards me for having a dad and our egg donor played on the to coddle him and do everything for him.
Don't get me wrong i love my brother and i miss him dearly but i won't sit here and play a pity song and dance for him because alot of his issues are his own doing same as mine are... i resented tony for having a mother. Our egg donor as i said did everything for him and always made sure to remind me i was a mistake... i only existed because she didn't believe in abortion. sometimes i look at life and wish she did... other times i am grateful because even as damnaged as i am or was i still turned out ok.
Jan 18th was my brother's 40th birthday crazy how time went by so quickly i look back and wonder where did the years go? seems like only yesterday i was following him down the street on my big wheeler  and having my ass paddled for taking it on the road lol., was that really almost 30 years ago?
so many memories, climbing the dirt hill in the back of the boarding house, riding our bikes to the kentville dump, almost ditching his three wheeler as he tried to teach me to drive it lol, hanging on for dear life on the back of his dirt bike, annoying him by wanting to follow him and his friends everywhere, sticking up for him and accidently getting knocked in the mouth at school, him beating the kid up for hitting me lol , him protecting me against our egg donor's drunken abusive boy friend (may he rot in hell now that he is finally dead) , being at the hospital for the birth of all three of my neices Sara Lynn, Kayla Toni, Kendra Olivia
Also alot of my music taste is because of my brother... sawyer brown the race is on, metallica, guns and roses. i can remember clearly him buying these records and dubbing them onto tape and closing his door to keep the sound out so the quality would be perfect lol, my love of cats and how to care for them comes from him as well. I still remember him giving me my first orange cat cuddles.
I swallowed my pride and reached out to him let's see where this leads....
song dedication "he's not heavy he;s my brother"

lest we forget - sadly a tradition being forgotton

Anyone who knows the real me not the business owner, not the woman raising a child, not the loud mouth arrogrant, obnixous verbal vile spewing demoness i can be lol but the real me.
You know by now that Rememberance Day and all it's activities are something i hold very near and dear to my heart. It was not only a way for me to have something to connect me to my dad and give him a reason to be proud of me and have his respect but it was / is a way for me to show tribute to my grandfather a man i never knew.
Many are going to say something negative about that especially my aunts... but in my eyes my grandfather is a hero. He did not see any action this is true but the fact that he did enlist and was willing to go and serve his country says something does it not? It's bravery like that shown by dozens of men and women why we are all here today living without the ordeal of dictatorship.
Every year the Royal Canadian Legion Branch #6 along with the camp aldershot army cadets do a cermonial laying of wreaths in steammill at the veterans plot. A legion member in full uniform and a cadet in uniform will march side by side lay the wreath on a fallen soilders resting place then stand and salut the deceased veteran before marching back to fall back in place in line with the others.
Each year the number of parcipants drops dramatically, to the point that it is not longer wreaths laid, now it is small discardable canadian flags... Apparently the cost was too high for the wreaths when some were being destroyed by the weather... This floored me.. how can you even begin to place a cost or budget in an acceptable price for the blood these men and women shed battling for our freedom without asking for anything in return.
A few years ago i wrote to one of the local papers and was published with my views regarding the dismaying effects the lack of respect our veterans were shown was having, i had hoped it would be an eye opener, that we would see and try to amend our ways but all i got was comments like "nicely written, i'll give you that". Thanks but no thanks i'm not looking or wanting praise here i want this tradition to continue. I want my child/ren to take as much pride in this as i do and i'm frightened that someday too soon they will be asking me what is a veteran why do we remember them, what did they do for us...?
what really has me boiling and seething is that we look to adults especially the legion members for guidence, to light the way and to see how even the handful that showed at last week's cermony acting like a bunch of anxious elementry school children was disturbing but even in elementry school you know how to form a two or three straight lines (fall into rank) the cadets outshined the legion members there.
All in all the entire cermony was cluttered and disapointing, some of the cadets had no uniforms so were permitted to still attend and take place with sneakers and tattered jeans etc, some of the young ladies did not even have their hair pulled back into the proper bun as required. The final insult was when it was time for one of the legion members along with a cadet to lay the flag and a poppy on a veterans grave neither saluted the fallen veteran before walking back to retake their places in line. Am i the only one who is disapointed and fustrated at this apauling behaviour? Am i out of line to be so annoyed? If you answered yes to either of these questions perhaps you should re-evaultate your freedom and at what cost you obtained it....