Bagage

This song has had the power to make me cry since i can remember the other one is indepenance day by martina mcbride.
Growing up my home was never a home, it was a battle zone. Phyllis and her bf dick or maybe just him would be drunk and the fight would begin... the problem is my brother and i were caught in the crossfire. Often we shared her bruises in one form or another where it was physically or emotionally... too often i've seen her tear stained face and listen to her plea and cry for him not to hit her and yell at me to go in my room. Busting glass from bowls and plates and pictures being thrown and mashed to bits.
I guess the reason i'm drawn to this song partically tonight is because that side of the so called family has been on my mind alot lately. I reached out to my brother in Jan trying to make amends and was told he wanted no part of it basically... it hurts so much more then i thought it would.
I'm days away from a life changing surgery and although i am excited and hopeful for a new chance at a healthier life and i busted my ass to prove my worth and want for this surgery, i'm scared ... i say that i know everything will be fine but the truth is we never really know... and i'm scared that i won't ever have the chance to have one more hug from my big brother.... i'm scared that he's not there with me, i'm angry cause he doesn't care. i'm angry cause none of them care.
i have never fit in, i have yearn for that family's acceptance since i can remember but it was always something... i looked like the stewarts, i acted like the stewarts, my laugh was too loud, i snored too loud, there were times i'd cry and beg to go to my grandmother's only to be told not tonight another time but my brother never was told no.
even now as an adult my aunts and my grandmother live walking distance from me, they know my number... i've called but they are anxious to get off the phone have things to do, yet can sit and talk to my brother for hours. They can only reach out to me on holidays and birthdays and i'm suppose to be ok with this.... until now i was but now they are doing the same thing to my child. they thought of her at christmas and signed the cards grammy harper and aunt patty, but they haven't seen her since they don't ask for her or about her. I refuse to allow her to be treated like she has to beg or compete for anyone's attention or affection. I will not let her feel the way i did.
Physically this surgery is going to help me get healthier but i still have a long way to go emotionally and i guess where the surgery is removing the access i don't need, i need to do the same to some of my emotional bagage starting with that side of the family.