words....

Words have such a powerful meaning weather they are spoken, sang or even whispered. Songs are especially powerful a friend said that music has broken his heart before... I couldn't quite grasp that concept music breaking hearts? But if you think about it, it makes sence the words, the lyrics, the emotion. Our words are our thoughts in form. We often forget that although we don't always mean what we say in anger once it's put out there we can't take it back. You can't take away a real slap or punch nor can you take away the emotional feeling of it when harsh words are spoken. I guess because of my additude some believe me to be strong and unaffected by these trival things, or maybe they think i am carless and heartless, emotionless even...
I'm in no way shape or form invincible. The last time i checked i was still made from bones, blood and flesh like the rest of the human race. I could still get hurt and bleed and even cry like the rest of you.  I am fustrated and annoyed that because of my apprication or even infatuation with black men and culture that i'm called a wanna be or a nigger lover, or other disgusting things.  SO for those that appricate and respect your own culture does that make you self involved? a Honkey lover?
The sayin is let it roll off me like water off a ducks back but words have a stinging power and i'm no duck. Despite what ppl think i am so big that i waddle, nor do i have webbed feet and the only feathers i have are the ones that fill my pillows.
I am in no way proclaiming i am innocent, i'm just as guilty as being carless with my words and hurting other people, my tounge can be as sharpe as a sword often but for anyone who has been following my blog as of late or even been in my life to know what is going on knows i'm seeking to change this and slowly suceeding. I've hurt people and i'm not proud of it actually it kinda makes me sick that i have done so to some on purpose.
i talk a good game and i wear an awesome mask of strenght but true is i am weak. I'm tired of having people i love and trust find a way to throw things back in my face and use against me. I'm tired of the verbal abuse i suffer then when they get mad or overwhelmed by the everyday stress of life. newsflash! Life is hard for all of us! It doesn't give you an excuse or permission to go around purposably hurting someone to make yourself look better in front of your "friends"
So although an apology can be as moving as song lyrics sometimes it doesn't excuse a person's mistakes nor does it always atone for them.

5th tattoo

Payge and i had the bright idea of getting matching tattoo's. We wanted something to represent us who we were and something that was unqiue. Payge decided Apple blossoms since we are from the valley and the valley is famous for it's apple blossom festival every year. I liked the blue behind it to make it pop and then we both agreed we wanted cousins on it since we are cousins and this was our tattoo not for the rest of the family. It was Loretta the tattoo artist who came up with the idea of the word being carried through the flowers on the wind since in a tattoo it wouldn't fit the way it would in the original picture. Great looking out! :) Needless to say Payge and i are both pleased with the outcome. We have always been very close even though there are times we could strangle each other at the end of the day we are family and best friends rolled into one. It has been nothing short of amazing to watch your growth payge from that baby in the harraness to a body cast (she was too smart she'd slip out of the slingshot we called it lol she was born with a dislocated hip) to the woman you have become. She laughs at me when i get sappy and emotional but when i was growing up i didn't have anyone to look up to not saying she did with me either lord knows don't follow in my footsteps i walk into walls but despite her crazy notions of looking up to me she turned out to be an amazing woman. I hope i had some good influence over your life and in a postive light not just learning by my mistakes.(and i made ALOT!!! lol) I know the city is only and hour away but now i know how you felt when i moved it's like your loosing your best friend. Love you kiddo i have never been more proud to be related to anyone as i am you! You have come so far but still so many great things in store for you Now with our tattoo's we are litterally always with one another across the miles.

 "if you look you will find me, and if you fall i will catch you" -cyndi lauper

Payge is always so brave even getting our tattoo's done she was a pro i was a wimp lol. I used numbing cream and i had to take a lorezapan to calm my nerves (even though this was my 5th tattoo) and they used a freeze spray on my foot but i still need to 'go in and have the yellow done in the flowers when it's healed. Payge got it all done in one sitting without stopping and without anything.