Insecurity....

Some of those who don't know me aren't going to get the connection right away form the title of the blog to the picture i chose to use for it, but some will catch it right away.
on the 30 day picture challenge on fb the first day we are asked to place up a picture of ourselves as well as ten facts about ourselves. Here was my first fact
"1. I was not born with two perfect eyes i had a turning eye which i had to have corrected surgically almost 3 years ago."
I was teased rentlessly about it through the years. comments made like are you looking at me or over there, men telling me they could fucc my eyes straight.., others threatened to knock it straight with physical assault. It made me an easy target for bullying. When i finally agreed to have to surgery done it was for sure i could have it i struggled emotionally with this. I was so relieved to have this feeling of knowing it would be fixed i wouldn't be cock eyed, cross eyed or lazy eyed girl anymore people would actually see me for me instead of just my what i felt was a disfigurement. At the same time i was scared and unsure if that is what i wanted as i said my eye had always been this way since birth so this would be a whole new ballgame for me and i wasn't sure if i was emotionally ready to embark on this journey. i was scared i would be loosing a part of me, something that made me who i was.
for the longest time i would wake up crying at night during the healing process cause my eye would be so itchy and as i rubbed at it i had nightmares that i had rubbed too hard and the process would become undone and my eye would return to being turned out. Even after almost three years i still check in a mirror every morning and night to ensure it is straight and not turned out. so when i was asked on fb in the 30 day challenge what my insecurity/ies was/were this is the picture i put and this blog is to explain why.
now that i have had the surgery i am grateful, i still get some blurred vision or double vision once in a while but they say beauty doesn't come without a price. so now that i have two straight eyes i do finally realize i am beautiful.

self reflections

i am doing that new trend on facebook the 30 days, 30 pictures and as i mentioned in my youtube vblog i find it very insightful. many of us struggle with decisions of which pictures to place for which days but the majority of them for me have been easy pictures to come up with it has been some of the memories uncovered that have been raw and heart wretching of a struggle for me. example day 5 "Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory" this was hard for me cause not alot of my memories are pleasant most i still wish i could erase except the fact i like who i am now and who i am con'ting to become so to erase my past could affect the outcome of my future...
but for day 5 i placed a picniked picture of my late nanny and the following caption. "one of my fave memories would be sitting on my nanny's lap dunking my cookies in her tea ♥ , or going for a ride on the love boat lol we'd snuggle up in her old brown air chair and watch that show every afternoon. so for now a picture of her will have to suffice as one of my fave memories. miss you and love you nanny ♥"
This was extremely painful to me cause even at a young age my nanny was my everything. It seems once she left us physically my entire world as i had known it shattered as well... but that is a blog for another time perhaps...
moving right along to the next reflection
"Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die" this one again was painful for me and is something most women have and take for granted... i placed a picture of an abstract painting featuring a mothering holding her child in her arms.
"hold my own child in my arms... something regrettfully i will probably never accomplish..." is the caption i wrote under this day. i have a condition known as PCOD which makes conception a very highly unlikely but not completely impossible task, i call it karma for some of my ways over the years, and this dream, this want, this desire is something if was possible i would sell my soul to the very devil himself pay whatever price to hold my own child and not have to let go ever...
this 30 days, 30 pictures is something i strongly suggest and recommend everyone do. you would be surprised how much you learn about yourself